As I settle into this holiday season, my emotions are running wilddddd. I promised myself that I would only look forward; not backwards. I have NOT kept that promise. Because whenever I think of how far God has brought me, it causes me to look at where He brought me from. I decided in October that I would allow my spirit to be joyful during this holiday season, as the last two years had been very difficult times for me during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
I was sitting here thinking about the other weekend when I had my sisters laughing so hard they were crying. We were having one of our roundtable discussions (in my baby sister's kitchen) about how bad these men had done us, and we were using my mother’s famous words “Just keep a ‘livin’”. I then told them “yeah, they will leave you on a mattress on the floor.” They immediately began to inquire as to what I was talking about. I was able to tell them this story with humor this year, but it did not seem funny at all the last two years. Here is the story.
As my divorce proceedings were taking place, my ex-husband and I had decided upon a night for him to come and remove his belongings from our home. We had gone over a list previously of what he would take and what I would keep in the home. At the time of this discussion, I truly did not really care what he took, because it all reminded me of him. So, at the time, my mindset was, “Take whatever…I don’t care.” Well, we had agreed he would take the bedroom set that his sister had given us when we got married. This included the headboard, bed frame, and dresser(s). As he and his brother proceeded to remove things from the living room, computer room, etc., the last stop was the bedroom. When he came into the bedroom to remove his items, I went in the living room so that I would not be “in the way.” (Actually, I still felt like it was all a horrible nightmare, and could not bare the thought of watching this. I just wanted them to hurry and get out.)
Well, after he got everything loaded and left, I locked up the house, set the alarm, and returned to my bedroom. What I found there was the mattresses laying on the floor. Sure enough the headboard and bed frame were gone (just as we had agreed that he could take). I felt something awful come over me. A feeling of not just loneliness, but a strong feeling of defeat, bitterness, depression, anger, anguish, broken promises, whatever you want to call it. I began to talk to myself in my mind, and tried to remind myself that I had to hold it together. I would not spend yet another night crying. So I made up my “bed” (put on the sheets and comforter) and turned on the TV. It just so happened to be on the channel where Joel Osteen was preaching. I laid there in the dark and listened to him tell me, (as I lay on my mattress on the floor), that I should be encouraged. He said no matter what is going on in your life right now, God has allowed it, and this is the best day of your life. I try to be a very faith-filled person, but I thought in my mind, “What in the world, Joel Osteen? What in the world?” I continued to listen to what he was saying, and the more he spoke, the more encouraged I became. I knew that this was just the beginning of a long process of healing, but I also knew that what this man was saying had to be right. It just had to be, because God had allowed it. (And I remember how I began to worship God right on that floor and His presence filled the room.)
So, I said all of that to say this. Yes, you might find yourself on the floor, on your mattresses, (whatever the mattress means in your life) listening to Joel Osteen tell you that your best days are ahead. You might be even worse off and not even have a floor or a mattress. But know this! God has not forgotten about you. He knows who you are and where you are right now.
What am I thankful for this holiday season? I am thankful that when I look back on all of the pain that I have endured, all of the disappointment, all of it, I know that it is only a God who cares who allowed me to lay on that mattress on the floor. He was teaching me to love Him and trust Him in all things. I am thankful that this holiday I can smile again. I am thankful that since that time I have new nice big fluffy mattresses and a bed frame to put them on! lol
My life may not have turned out the way I planned it, but that is the problem: I planned it! This holiday season, no matter how my emotions decide to go up, down, left, and right, I am determined to continue moving towards those better days.
I encourage you to do the same. At this very moment, think of one thing, just one thing you can thank God for. Now, go ahead and thank Him!
Lord, I thank you for putting me on that mattress on the floor, watching Joel Osteen, and letting me know that better days lie ahead.
From the Barren Woman and the Barren Woman National Support Groups to you and your families, I say Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year. Your best days are ahead!
Love,
Lemon
